: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
