What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize