I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
i need to put some appletini on your dick
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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