why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
