my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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