I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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