A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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