the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
