Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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