I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
