so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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