I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
