Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
