so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
