I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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