Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
