i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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