I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
