wrigley field is MILF paradise
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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