Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
