The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
