Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she smelled like a LAN party
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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