Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
