would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
