So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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