the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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