You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
