How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
