My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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