This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My ass is underappreciated
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
