you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
