i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
