I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
