now i know why i became what i already was.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
