smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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