I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
