If that was your dad, he is hot
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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