yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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