she woke up with a sticky ear
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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