Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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