my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I puked a lego.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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