dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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