Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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