Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
