She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
