Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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