it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
