My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize