I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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