My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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