peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
