It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
