This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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