if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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