She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
